Not a Good Night

It's 10:25.  Early for many, yes, but we're into the school year, so it's now officially past my bedtime.  Unfortunately, I am not cozied up in my bed snoozing away.  No, I am on the couch with tear (and snot) soaked kleenex. 
I had my first counseling session a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted me to start reading Motherless Daughters.  Being the procrastinating complier that I am, I bought a digital copy tonight and read the first chapter.  It was a long chapter.  Do I remember any of it?  Not particularly.  I read a few snippets here and there to Andrew, hopefully to give him some insight from someone else's words -- better than mine, they don't seem to make much sense anymore.  Do I want to keep reading it?  Not particularly.  It was one more thing that put the "perpetual absence of her presence" right in my face.  I need her, as a rule.  Tonight I needed to see her, hear her, feel her...so I got out the few videos that I have from the few months before she died.  And then came the serious waterworks.  Dear God!
 I am not supposed to be in this place without her!  I had someone tell me today that a friend of theirs passed away yesterday, but they didn't want to be selfish and be sad because she was in heaven, and didn't I rejoice because my Mama was already with Jesus?  Sure, I told her.  I rejoice for her, she's got it great.  I cry for me.  Toby Keith sure hit the nail on the head with his song, Cryin' for Me.

I'm gonna miss that smile

I'm gonna miss you my friend

Even though it hurts the way it ended up

I'd do it all again

So play it sweet in heaven

'Cause that's where you wanna be

I'm not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you

I'm crying for me

I don't feel like the tears will stop tonight. 

• I don't want to go to my counseling session tomorrow night and then to my 'grief education and support group.' 
• I don't want to keep feeling this way. 
• I don't want to have to deal with this in some way shape or form for the rest of my life. 
• I don't want to continue to feel like a failure because I don't feel like I'm relying on the Lord like I want to or feel like I should. 
• I don't want to make other people uncomfortable by vomiting my grief on them when I can contain it no longer. 
• I don't want my children to grow up without my mother for a grandmother. 
• I don't want to be without my friend and confidante. 

What I "don't want," however, doesn't really matter, apparently. 

So here I sit, alone with my tears.

1st Haircut

Well, we finally went and did it.  Will, at the ripe old age of 2 1/2, finally got his first haircut.  We've been talking about doing this since the summer, but just hadn't accomplished it.  Not that I was pushing for it, exactly.  My brakes were engaged...maybe even the emergency brake.  I knew that once we got him in the chair and cut off those golden curly locks, it would never be the same again.  *sigh* 

Gone is the baby look.  Gone is the softness.  Gone is my baby boy.  In his place stands this very big boy.  He, his daddy says, will always be my baby, regardless.... 

I didn't bawl like a baby.  I came close, though.  I had to keep checking out the ceiling tiles to keep the tears from streaming down my face.  It's quite the milestone.  I was tempted to wait til he was four, do the Jewish thing, but Andrew and Auntie Rachel vetoed that one.  Too much party in the back, apparently!

Will did such a good job!  It was obvious he was a little nervous and unsure, but we've been talking this up for a while, so it wasn't out of the blue.  He sat so very still as she chopped and trimmed and made him look super handsome.  Will's adorable, nothing's going to change that, but he's a big boy now.

Next step...potty training.  Lord help us!

Pa's Visit

My dad was here this week -- came in Monday afternoon and left at about 3:00 this morning.  It was a short visit, but at least he came.  :-)  It was so very good to see him!  The kids were all about "Pa."  Will's exhausted today because he played so very hard and showed off for Pa.  Annabelle hasn't been much of a cuddler up to this point, but she loved on Pa, snuggling down under his big Moses beard.

The visit was good and BUSY.  Of course, the majority of it was spent playing with the munchkins.  The sword fights were unbelievable and ended with a gunshot -- isn't that how all the best sword fights end? 
Pa & Will would be wailing on each other with swords and then Will would holler, "Pa!  Soot me!"  Pa would oblige, and Will would fall to the floor with his tongue hanging out making all sorts of being shot noises.  Then, there would be reading of books.  When this was going on, you could be certain Annabelle was going to worm her way right into the middle of things, reaching for pages,  "Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!"-ing and "Aah"-ing at each one.  Their favorites were Are You my Mother? and a new Little People book about animals.  For the first, they would both sit in rapt attention while Pa would read it again and again.  "Do more!"  Will would say.  For the second, it was more the kiddos than Pa saying anything.  Annabelle vocalized in a big way at each page.  Will would go through, pointing at and naming the animals.  His favorite animals, right now, are sharks.  How we love sharks!  (Andrew actually asked if he could watch some of Shark Week.  Really?)

How they love Pa!  I love that they love him so very much and shower him with attention when he's here.  It's so very bittersweet, though, so bittersweet -- Gramma's not here to be a part of all this.  Annabelle was only 4 months old, Will, not even two.  Yes, I know -- it's up to me to make sure that they "know" her and know that she loved them so very much, but they don't get to experience her.  I hate that for them...and for me...and for her.  I have the right to harp on this, to be sad about this.  It's only been six months...I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster of emotions right now.  I want her here to be a part of my children's lives, a part of my life.  I don't want Daddy to be with out her.  And yet, here we are.

I'm so very glad my little ones had the best time with Pa this week.  What a blessing!