It's here. I really can't believe that it's been nearly a year since I've seen, talked to, listened to, hugged, kissed my Mama. It's 11 days from today. Most people do a countdown of 10 for whatever, but, for some reason, today's been really rough for me and my countdown begins today. Remembering talking with my mom on the phone getting ready for me to go visit in 12 days. I was making my first solo trip with the kids and was going to stay with them til her birthday on the 29th. She wasn't feeling well...being dizzy even when she was lying down. I expressed sympathy, but that was about it. She hated going to the doctor, and it didn't matter what I would say, she would go when she was ready or when Dad had pestered her enough. Too, Mama seemed to always have something going on physically. She wasn't a hypochondriac, she just always had something going on, and I just chalked it up to being a Mama thing....
I always used to say that, "when it's your time to go, you're going to go, regardless of where you are or what you're doing." To anyone that I may have spoken that to in your time of loss, please forgive me. (I would hope that I had a shred more decency than to voice that to someone who was in the midst of that, but people can be stupid.) All that to say, I believe that to be the case as a general rule -- each of us has numbered days -- but, specifically, it certainly didn't apply to my mother...couldn't apply to my Mama. and yet....
My sweet husband asked me today what was going on with me. Really? I am reliving last year. I am reliving her death and everything leading up to it. It is so very fresh and raw right now. I told him, the next week and a half to three weeks are not going to be easy weeks. The year anniversary is January 20th, & her birthday is January 29th. God get me through this month. Please.
God "spoke" to me today. That hasn't happened in a long time, but it happened to me today. We were visiting a different church. (We haven't had a church home in so very long...no support of a church family through this...it's sooo very hard to have to do this alone!) The pastor was talking about having a "focused faith" and in one of his supporting points of praying specifically, he referenced Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." I realized that I have held this, taking my mother away from me, against God. No wonder I haven't been able to hear Him or receive His care or comfort. I don't know how to forgive Him, but I know that I need to, for a plethora of reasons. I told Him as much. So here I wait...and try not to think too much. It hurts too much.
