My baby girl is due tomorrow, and it's making me miss my Mama something fierce. She's been here for the births of my other two. Nice and early because my babies haven't come when they were due; they've come pretty much when they were ready. I'm ok with that part of things, but I don't know how to do the rest of this without my Mama. I know my Daddy will be here and will help how he can, but it's not the same. She took care of me...and my babies...and I knew I could sit back and it would all be ok. My sisters are wonderful, and they will help, but they each have their own lives, jobs, kids.... Mama came and focused on me and my new baby and my other baby. If she were here....but she's not, and that's a reality I have to face. Bad words.
Pregnancy hormones aren't helping this whole missing thing at all. ugh. I need to get on an even keel so that I can take care of business. I would ask for help, but I don't even know where to begin. We have no church. We're just here. I feel like we're on an island...an invisible island. I know, I definitely lean to the melodramatic side. Sorry 'bout that.
I was talking on the phone with one sister tonight about who would be watching kids and who would be at the hospital and all that jazz. When I got off the phone, Annabelle ran by the doorway with a comment about getting her sippy and then ran back the other way drinking her water. I am so angry with Mama for missing that, for missing her words, for missing all that she's doing, for missing how big Will's getting, for not even meeting our sweet girl who'll be here soon. I don't even know what to do with all that. Granted, I need to figure something out because Peanut's not quite sure what to do with all these funky emotions and corresponding hormones I'm throwing her way right now. Poor baby! She's just kind of stuck, for the time being. Once again, need to find that even keel. Wish there was a Jazzercise class going on right now. I'd cry my way through the class, but hopefully feel much better when it was all said and done. I may have to hit the 5:30 class in the morning. Don't hold your breath on that one, though. I don't have an alarm set, and it's nearly midnight.
So here I am. Did I mention that my house looks like a tornado hit? I know, two toddlers and packing will do that, but it's been pushed beyond my limit, and I just can't catch up. It's making me even crazier, and, as we all know, I need NOTHING else to help me with that. Lord willing, tomorrow I will "slow and steady" my way through cleaning bathrooms and floors and dusting and getting too-small clothes put away and doing those dishes that have to be hand-washed, etc. Maybe that will make me feel a bit better, or at least not quite so overwhelmed.
God bless you if you actually read the whole of this post. Oy. It's a mess. I'm a mess.
I'll make it. I always do...I'd just like to be smiling on the way through.
My sweet friend. Only God knows the depths of what you are feeling right now. Your place in life is a hard one right now. Little bitties and another on the way, it's a load. But to miss mama on top of it all is a load no one should have to carry. I am praying for you that you would grieve now so you can be joyous later when baby girl arrives. Mama would want that. Don't worry about the house or the packing. We can help with that when the time comes. Just focus on the glory that comes with new life!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rachelle. You're a sweet encouragement. :-)
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