I need to blog. I know I need to blog. I'll just write and see where it goes. That's what I always told my kids at school -- if you're not sure what to write, just start writing and see where it goes. It's not like I have a clever (or not so clever, as it were) writing prompt to get me going. A friend of mine has a blog, '"B" is for Blog' and does hers with a letter '"A" is for...', etc. It's well done, but she did it first. :-)
So, here I am. It's been a rough couple of days. I've been cranky, irritable, moody, you get the idea. (Sorry, Andrew!!!) If I had a thesaurus nearby, I'd have put down a few more. (Yes, I'm online, but that would have involved opening another tab, and just not interested in going there right now.) I hate when I can see myself being this way and don't feel like I have any recourse to stop it. Ugh. I'm watching from a distance, and that's all I can do. Joy. It's kind of like when "Crazy Carrie" was around when I was taking birth control pills -- not circumstances I like to recreate in the least.
I went to my first Grief Education Class & Support Group last week. One of the things the leader mentioned was that when you're grieving, you are in a "self-concerned" place...the original wording they used was "selfish." Boy, did that resonate with me...and I hate it. I hate feeling so very selfish. I hate it with a fiery passion, and yet, how do I get beyond it? I know I must. I don't like being here. It's like being stuck in a snow bank, and I have no traction...and no kitty litter. Must I just sit here spinning my wheels until it all thaws enough for me to get out? I don't know.
So...there you have it -- here's what happens when I just write and see where it goes. Sometimes it's not so pretty.
Felt compelled to comment on this as it sounds soooo familiar! The being able to see yourself acting in a way you don't like at all and not being able to do anything about it. And yes, the selfish thing too. I have battled with depression a couple of times now, and those were very selfish times, I feel. I didn't like it, still don't. But, I accepted, came to the realisation, that sometimes you have to be selfish (in a good way) in order to rearrange everything in your head and heart so that you can be at peace again with yourself and those around you. It's a tough time to go through, but so necessary and will be better for everyone once you have come through it. Sounds like you have started that journey ... it will be baby steps, often you won't realise how much is churning away and processing until something clicks into place - sounds like the support group will help with that. (Hope that kinda makes sense.) And I'm sure that Andrew understands!
ReplyDeleteI tell my kids the same thing! Usually what needs to come out will!
ReplyDeleteI know those "selfish" feelings all too well....and, yes, it sucks! BUT....it is somewhat necessary to grieve and experience healing. Those that love you understand and know it won't be this way forever (even though it may seem quite the contrary). Love you so much!!!!