My baby girl is due tomorrow, and it's making me miss my Mama something fierce. She's been here for the births of my other two. Nice and early because my babies haven't come when they were due; they've come pretty much when they were ready. I'm ok with that part of things, but I don't know how to do the rest of this without my Mama. I know my Daddy will be here and will help how he can, but it's not the same. She took care of me...and my babies...and I knew I could sit back and it would all be ok. My sisters are wonderful, and they will help, but they each have their own lives, jobs, kids.... Mama came and focused on me and my new baby and my other baby. If she were here....but she's not, and that's a reality I have to face. Bad words.
Pregnancy hormones aren't helping this whole missing thing at all. ugh. I need to get on an even keel so that I can take care of business. I would ask for help, but I don't even know where to begin. We have no church. We're just here. I feel like we're on an island...an invisible island. I know, I definitely lean to the melodramatic side. Sorry 'bout that.
I was talking on the phone with one sister tonight about who would be watching kids and who would be at the hospital and all that jazz. When I got off the phone, Annabelle ran by the doorway with a comment about getting her sippy and then ran back the other way drinking her water. I am so angry with Mama for missing that, for missing her words, for missing all that she's doing, for missing how big Will's getting, for not even meeting our sweet girl who'll be here soon. I don't even know what to do with all that. Granted, I need to figure something out because Peanut's not quite sure what to do with all these funky emotions and corresponding hormones I'm throwing her way right now. Poor baby! She's just kind of stuck, for the time being. Once again, need to find that even keel. Wish there was a Jazzercise class going on right now. I'd cry my way through the class, but hopefully feel much better when it was all said and done. I may have to hit the 5:30 class in the morning. Don't hold your breath on that one, though. I don't have an alarm set, and it's nearly midnight.
So here I am. Did I mention that my house looks like a tornado hit? I know, two toddlers and packing will do that, but it's been pushed beyond my limit, and I just can't catch up. It's making me even crazier, and, as we all know, I need NOTHING else to help me with that. Lord willing, tomorrow I will "slow and steady" my way through cleaning bathrooms and floors and dusting and getting too-small clothes put away and doing those dishes that have to be hand-washed, etc. Maybe that will make me feel a bit better, or at least not quite so overwhelmed.
God bless you if you actually read the whole of this post. Oy. It's a mess. I'm a mess.
I'll make it. I always do...I'd just like to be smiling on the way through.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Countdown & a Realization
It's here. I really can't believe that it's been nearly a year since I've seen, talked to, listened to, hugged, kissed my Mama. It's 11 days from today. Most people do a countdown of 10 for whatever, but, for some reason, today's been really rough for me and my countdown begins today. Remembering talking with my mom on the phone getting ready for me to go visit in 12 days. I was making my first solo trip with the kids and was going to stay with them til her birthday on the 29th. She wasn't feeling well...being dizzy even when she was lying down. I expressed sympathy, but that was about it. She hated going to the doctor, and it didn't matter what I would say, she would go when she was ready or when Dad had pestered her enough. Too, Mama seemed to always have something going on physically. She wasn't a hypochondriac, she just always had something going on, and I just chalked it up to being a Mama thing....
I always used to say that, "when it's your time to go, you're going to go, regardless of where you are or what you're doing." To anyone that I may have spoken that to in your time of loss, please forgive me. (I would hope that I had a shred more decency than to voice that to someone who was in the midst of that, but people can be stupid.) All that to say, I believe that to be the case as a general rule -- each of us has numbered days -- but, specifically, it certainly didn't apply to my mother...couldn't apply to my Mama. and yet....
My sweet husband asked me today what was going on with me. Really? I am reliving last year. I am reliving her death and everything leading up to it. It is so very fresh and raw right now. I told him, the next week and a half to three weeks are not going to be easy weeks. The year anniversary is January 20th, & her birthday is January 29th. God get me through this month. Please.
God "spoke" to me today. That hasn't happened in a long time, but it happened to me today. We were visiting a different church. (We haven't had a church home in so very long...no support of a church family through this...it's sooo very hard to have to do this alone!) The pastor was talking about having a "focused faith" and in one of his supporting points of praying specifically, he referenced Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." I realized that I have held this, taking my mother away from me, against God. No wonder I haven't been able to hear Him or receive His care or comfort. I don't know how to forgive Him, but I know that I need to, for a plethora of reasons. I told Him as much. So here I wait...and try not to think too much. It hurts too much.
I always used to say that, "when it's your time to go, you're going to go, regardless of where you are or what you're doing." To anyone that I may have spoken that to in your time of loss, please forgive me. (I would hope that I had a shred more decency than to voice that to someone who was in the midst of that, but people can be stupid.) All that to say, I believe that to be the case as a general rule -- each of us has numbered days -- but, specifically, it certainly didn't apply to my mother...couldn't apply to my Mama. and yet....
My sweet husband asked me today what was going on with me. Really? I am reliving last year. I am reliving her death and everything leading up to it. It is so very fresh and raw right now. I told him, the next week and a half to three weeks are not going to be easy weeks. The year anniversary is January 20th, & her birthday is January 29th. God get me through this month. Please.
God "spoke" to me today. That hasn't happened in a long time, but it happened to me today. We were visiting a different church. (We haven't had a church home in so very long...no support of a church family through this...it's sooo very hard to have to do this alone!) The pastor was talking about having a "focused faith" and in one of his supporting points of praying specifically, he referenced Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." I realized that I have held this, taking my mother away from me, against God. No wonder I haven't been able to hear Him or receive His care or comfort. I don't know how to forgive Him, but I know that I need to, for a plethora of reasons. I told Him as much. So here I wait...and try not to think too much. It hurts too much.
Monday, December 20, 2010
It got me tonight...
So this one IS about Mama & missing her. If you're tired of reading about my issues with all that, I certainly won't be offended if you don't read any further. Truthfully, I'm writing right now with the hopes that I will feel better once I "get it all out." Getting it all out in this type of forum keeps me from burdening/making uncomfortable anyone in particular.
We're at Andrew's parents right now. The kids have been great, and they remember Mimi & Grand Dad (yes, he decided that's what he wants to be called! okey dokey.), which is great. What got me tonight was Annabelle running to Mimi with a huge smile on her face and arms upstretched to give her night-night hugs and kisses. My mom's supposed to be on the receiving end of that run...and she doesn't ever get to be. I can see the look of joy that would be on her face...and I feel robbed. Life is not fair.
I've been told that Annabelle and Will don't know what they're missing not having my mom for a Gramma. I, however, do know, and it breaks my heart for them. There are so many experiences they won't get to have because my mom's not here...and it makes me so sad and so angry. It's just not fair!
A dear friend quoted a loved movie when I was having a hard time of things one day -- "Life is pain, Highness. If anyone tells you differently, they're selling something." (Gotta love Princess Bride to tell it like it is.) So how do I deal with this pain and keep it from washing over me and drowning me in a sea of self-pity and sorrow? This is one way. Writing helps. Also, trying not to think about things too much...especially right now. It's the first set of major holidays and my birthday to come around since she's been gone. Sucky.
I'm not broken into as many pieces as I once was. Some of them have come together like mercury on the floor. For you scifi freaks out there, it's like the pieces of the terminator in the 2nd movie, after being frozen & shattered, melting and coming together. It's actually more like that than not. Hmmm....I guess that gives me the hope of being whole again? Interesting thought.
It's my husband's birthday, so I've got to pull it together. If for nothing else, I need to do it for him so that we can actually spend some pleasant time together. I do love him so.
Here's to getting blind-sided. I'd like to have a drink to take the edge off, but I'm preggers, so no dice on that one. Oh well. Time to put on my big girl panties and head on out.
We're at Andrew's parents right now. The kids have been great, and they remember Mimi & Grand Dad (yes, he decided that's what he wants to be called! okey dokey.), which is great. What got me tonight was Annabelle running to Mimi with a huge smile on her face and arms upstretched to give her night-night hugs and kisses. My mom's supposed to be on the receiving end of that run...and she doesn't ever get to be. I can see the look of joy that would be on her face...and I feel robbed. Life is not fair.
I've been told that Annabelle and Will don't know what they're missing not having my mom for a Gramma. I, however, do know, and it breaks my heart for them. There are so many experiences they won't get to have because my mom's not here...and it makes me so sad and so angry. It's just not fair!
A dear friend quoted a loved movie when I was having a hard time of things one day -- "Life is pain, Highness. If anyone tells you differently, they're selling something." (Gotta love Princess Bride to tell it like it is.) So how do I deal with this pain and keep it from washing over me and drowning me in a sea of self-pity and sorrow? This is one way. Writing helps. Also, trying not to think about things too much...especially right now. It's the first set of major holidays and my birthday to come around since she's been gone. Sucky.
I'm not broken into as many pieces as I once was. Some of them have come together like mercury on the floor. For you scifi freaks out there, it's like the pieces of the terminator in the 2nd movie, after being frozen & shattered, melting and coming together. It's actually more like that than not. Hmmm....I guess that gives me the hope of being whole again? Interesting thought.
It's my husband's birthday, so I've got to pull it together. If for nothing else, I need to do it for him so that we can actually spend some pleasant time together. I do love him so.
Here's to getting blind-sided. I'd like to have a drink to take the edge off, but I'm preggers, so no dice on that one. Oh well. Time to put on my big girl panties and head on out.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It's Been A While....
It's been a while since I've written. I didn't want the only things that I posted to be about my struggles living without Mama. So much for that. *wry smile*
What has happened since the end of August? The kids and I did a 10 day (yes, you heard me right -- 10 day) road trip. Whew! It was great for me. I got to visit my cousin Ann & her family in Wichita. It's been ages since I've been able to spend any time with her. I really enjoyed it! We just threw our chaos in with hers and it fit nicely. From there the kids and I headed to St. Louis. My brother-in-law's parents were gracious and offered to let us do Cousins' Weekend at their house. All three of us girls (& John & all the kids), cousin Shaunna & her husband Jeffrey, and cousin Cortney made it. MIA was my husband (flights were too darned expensive!) and Shaunna & Cortney's brother Wayne & his wife Amanda. We had a great time visiting and playing cards and cooking and reminiscing and going to the St. Louis Zoo...once we finally got there! It didn't take us long to get to the exit for the zoo, but traffic was HORRENDOUS, and I think it took us a good hour and a half to get parked...and then we had to hike to the zoo! We had an amazing time, though! I think the best part was stripping Will down to his diaper so that he could enjoy the splash pad with his cousins. He had a BLAST!!! We left Tuesday to head to Siloam to have a rest at Pa's before heading home to Amarillo.
That Wednesday (the day after we got to my Dad's) was Annabelle's 1st birthday. Wow. It was a pretty uneventful day, but I did get a few pictures in...just before she went to bed! I can't believe she's past 1 year old now! That day, however, began a very difficult month. We have LOTS of September birthdays -- Michelle's is the 1st, Annabelle's the 8th, then come Jacob, several cousins, a couple of Aunts, then Dad and Josiah finish out the month. Mom was the best at birthdays. She really worked to make that day special and all about YOU. It was so very, very hard not to have her be a part of things. Dad did come the end of the month so that he would be with us for his birthday. We insisted, and, thankfully, he complied.
October, I made another trip back to Siloam for John Brown Homecoming...not that I really did any homecoming activities besides attend some education professional development hours (speaking of which, I need to call them -- I got gypped on the hours they sent me!) and a dessert for education alumni.
November...sigh...the beginning of the holiday season. I about lost it in the Christmas stuff at Target because it really hit me that Mama wasn't going to be with us. She always paid attention to details at the holidays and worked hard to fill stockings for everyone and make it fun for the kids. She's not here to do that this year, and I don't want to have to be the one to fill those shoes...I don't want anyone to have to fill those shoes. I just want her here. That would take care of that.
Last year we planned with Mama to go to Branson for Thankmas. We have friends that have a condo that we figured we could rent and planned on getting another one there -- there are too many of us for just one condo! We decided to stick to the plan. Something different needed to be done this year. So...no turkey, no big meal, no football (not that anyone besides John & Michelle & Rachel ever truly watched football...). We drove to Branson on Wednesday and went to Silver Dollar City Thursday & Friday. It was COLD! It was really, really COLD! It was rather reminiscent of when we went to SDC a bajillion years ago over Thanksgiving, except that, that time, we were completely and absolutely unprepared for the cold. This time we came with layer upon layer upon layer! (In a side note here -- My husband ROCKS! He got us wool socks. I've never owned a pair of wool socks before. My feet have always, yes always, been cold when I've been out for extended periods of time in the winter. This was the first experience that my feet have NOT been cold, not one little bit. My husband totally ROCKS!) The best part was seeing the kids experience it. The oohing and aahhhing of little ones makes the experience a thousand times better. We went and saw the Frosty show. The kids were all invited up on stage and Will went with his older cousins. He stood the whole time. I was wondering what he was going to do. Was he going to be that child...the one that everyone sees and knows before it's all said and done? He did not disappoint! He made it almost through, but he couldn't resist going to check out the raccoon puppet in the tree. One of the main characters went over, picked him up and placed him where he belonged and said, "Now that's a photo op!" Dadgum, I didn't have my camera out. Thank God he didn't pull the puppet off the guy's hand! I'm not sure how they could have recovered from that! To this day, anytime Frosty the Snowman song comes on he says, "Mommy! It's the snowman song!" Yep, Will, it sure is.
Mama would have had a great time. She would have been exhausted. She probably would have gotten bronchitis. But she would have had a marvelous time experiencing SDC through her grandkids. My heart is heavy that she missed it.
So now it's December. It's the Christmas season. My kids love Christmas lights. Tomorrow they get to start on Christmas ornaments to give to the rest of the family. I'm so very glad to have them to experience Christmas through. I was just thinking about last year's Christmas pictures. Mama was in those pictures. She won't be in them this year. I don't get to have her on my birthday. Last year my birthday didn't go like she would have liked for it to when they were here. She promised that she would take me to lunch when I came to visit in January. She died instead. I'm kind of skipping my birthday this year. In some ways I want to, in other ways I don't. We'll see how I feel that day.
I was reading an article in a Wycliffe publication about a man who, eight months after his wife's death, was going back to the language group he and his wife had worked with to translate the Bible. Someone asked him about the comfort that he was receiving from the Lord. His response? It was something to the effect that he was getting a wall of silence from God, but there were people that crossed his path that encouraged him, and he knew that they were from the Lord. I, too, am experiencing a wall of silence. I am so very thankful for those of you that He has sent across my path to lift me up. So, onward & forward I go.
What has happened since the end of August? The kids and I did a 10 day (yes, you heard me right -- 10 day) road trip. Whew! It was great for me. I got to visit my cousin Ann & her family in Wichita. It's been ages since I've been able to spend any time with her. I really enjoyed it! We just threw our chaos in with hers and it fit nicely. From there the kids and I headed to St. Louis. My brother-in-law's parents were gracious and offered to let us do Cousins' Weekend at their house. All three of us girls (& John & all the kids), cousin Shaunna & her husband Jeffrey, and cousin Cortney made it. MIA was my husband (flights were too darned expensive!) and Shaunna & Cortney's brother Wayne & his wife Amanda. We had a great time visiting and playing cards and cooking and reminiscing and going to the St. Louis Zoo...once we finally got there! It didn't take us long to get to the exit for the zoo, but traffic was HORRENDOUS, and I think it took us a good hour and a half to get parked...and then we had to hike to the zoo! We had an amazing time, though! I think the best part was stripping Will down to his diaper so that he could enjoy the splash pad with his cousins. He had a BLAST!!! We left Tuesday to head to Siloam to have a rest at Pa's before heading home to Amarillo.
That Wednesday (the day after we got to my Dad's) was Annabelle's 1st birthday. Wow. It was a pretty uneventful day, but I did get a few pictures in...just before she went to bed! I can't believe she's past 1 year old now! That day, however, began a very difficult month. We have LOTS of September birthdays -- Michelle's is the 1st, Annabelle's the 8th, then come Jacob, several cousins, a couple of Aunts, then Dad and Josiah finish out the month. Mom was the best at birthdays. She really worked to make that day special and all about YOU. It was so very, very hard not to have her be a part of things. Dad did come the end of the month so that he would be with us for his birthday. We insisted, and, thankfully, he complied.
October, I made another trip back to Siloam for John Brown Homecoming...not that I really did any homecoming activities besides attend some education professional development hours (speaking of which, I need to call them -- I got gypped on the hours they sent me!) and a dessert for education alumni.
November...sigh...the beginning of the holiday season. I about lost it in the Christmas stuff at Target because it really hit me that Mama wasn't going to be with us. She always paid attention to details at the holidays and worked hard to fill stockings for everyone and make it fun for the kids. She's not here to do that this year, and I don't want to have to be the one to fill those shoes...I don't want anyone to have to fill those shoes. I just want her here. That would take care of that.
Last year we planned with Mama to go to Branson for Thankmas. We have friends that have a condo that we figured we could rent and planned on getting another one there -- there are too many of us for just one condo! We decided to stick to the plan. Something different needed to be done this year. So...no turkey, no big meal, no football (not that anyone besides John & Michelle & Rachel ever truly watched football...). We drove to Branson on Wednesday and went to Silver Dollar City Thursday & Friday. It was COLD! It was really, really COLD! It was rather reminiscent of when we went to SDC a bajillion years ago over Thanksgiving, except that, that time, we were completely and absolutely unprepared for the cold. This time we came with layer upon layer upon layer! (In a side note here -- My husband ROCKS! He got us wool socks. I've never owned a pair of wool socks before. My feet have always, yes always, been cold when I've been out for extended periods of time in the winter. This was the first experience that my feet have NOT been cold, not one little bit. My husband totally ROCKS!) The best part was seeing the kids experience it. The oohing and aahhhing of little ones makes the experience a thousand times better. We went and saw the Frosty show. The kids were all invited up on stage and Will went with his older cousins. He stood the whole time. I was wondering what he was going to do. Was he going to be that child...the one that everyone sees and knows before it's all said and done? He did not disappoint! He made it almost through, but he couldn't resist going to check out the raccoon puppet in the tree. One of the main characters went over, picked him up and placed him where he belonged and said, "Now that's a photo op!" Dadgum, I didn't have my camera out. Thank God he didn't pull the puppet off the guy's hand! I'm not sure how they could have recovered from that! To this day, anytime Frosty the Snowman song comes on he says, "Mommy! It's the snowman song!" Yep, Will, it sure is.
Mama would have had a great time. She would have been exhausted. She probably would have gotten bronchitis. But she would have had a marvelous time experiencing SDC through her grandkids. My heart is heavy that she missed it.
So now it's December. It's the Christmas season. My kids love Christmas lights. Tomorrow they get to start on Christmas ornaments to give to the rest of the family. I'm so very glad to have them to experience Christmas through. I was just thinking about last year's Christmas pictures. Mama was in those pictures. She won't be in them this year. I don't get to have her on my birthday. Last year my birthday didn't go like she would have liked for it to when they were here. She promised that she would take me to lunch when I came to visit in January. She died instead. I'm kind of skipping my birthday this year. In some ways I want to, in other ways I don't. We'll see how I feel that day.
I was reading an article in a Wycliffe publication about a man who, eight months after his wife's death, was going back to the language group he and his wife had worked with to translate the Bible. Someone asked him about the comfort that he was receiving from the Lord. His response? It was something to the effect that he was getting a wall of silence from God, but there were people that crossed his path that encouraged him, and he knew that they were from the Lord. I, too, am experiencing a wall of silence. I am so very thankful for those of you that He has sent across my path to lift me up. So, onward & forward I go.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Not a Good Night
It's 10:25. Early for many, yes, but we're into the school year, so it's now officially past my bedtime. Unfortunately, I am not cozied up in my bed snoozing away. No, I am on the couch with tear (and snot) soaked kleenex.
I had my first counseling session a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted me to start reading Motherless Daughters. Being the procrastinating complier that I am, I bought a digital copy tonight and read the first chapter. It was a long chapter. Do I remember any of it? Not particularly. I read a few snippets here and there to Andrew, hopefully to give him some insight from someone else's words -- better than mine, they don't seem to make much sense anymore. Do I want to keep reading it? Not particularly. It was one more thing that put the "perpetual absence of her presence" right in my face. I need her, as a rule. Tonight I needed to see her, hear her, feel her...so I got out the few videos that I have from the few months before she died. And then came the serious waterworks. Dear God!
I am not supposed to be in this place without her! I had someone tell me today that a friend of theirs passed away yesterday, but they didn't want to be selfish and be sad because she was in heaven, and didn't I rejoice because my Mama was already with Jesus? Sure, I told her. I rejoice for her, she's got it great. I cry for me. Toby Keith sure hit the nail on the head with his song, Cryin' for Me.
I had my first counseling session a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted me to start reading Motherless Daughters. Being the procrastinating complier that I am, I bought a digital copy tonight and read the first chapter. It was a long chapter. Do I remember any of it? Not particularly. I read a few snippets here and there to Andrew, hopefully to give him some insight from someone else's words -- better than mine, they don't seem to make much sense anymore. Do I want to keep reading it? Not particularly. It was one more thing that put the "perpetual absence of her presence" right in my face. I need her, as a rule. Tonight I needed to see her, hear her, feel her...so I got out the few videos that I have from the few months before she died. And then came the serious waterworks. Dear God!
I am not supposed to be in this place without her! I had someone tell me today that a friend of theirs passed away yesterday, but they didn't want to be selfish and be sad because she was in heaven, and didn't I rejoice because my Mama was already with Jesus? Sure, I told her. I rejoice for her, she's got it great. I cry for me. Toby Keith sure hit the nail on the head with his song, Cryin' for Me.
I'm gonna miss that smile
I'm gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
'Cause that's where you wanna be
I'm not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I'm crying for me
I don't feel like the tears will stop tonight.
- I don't want to go to my counseling session tomorrow night and then to my 'grief education and support group.'
- I don't want to keep feeling this way.
- I don't want to have to deal with this in some way shape or form for the rest of my life.
- I don't want to continue to feel like a failure because I don't feel like I'm relying on the Lord like I want to or feel like I should.
- I don't want to make other people uncomfortable by vomiting my grief on them when I can contain it no longer.
- I don't want my children to grow up without my mother for a grandmother.
- I don't want to be without my friend and confidante.
What I "don't want," however, doesn't really matter, apparently.
So here I sit, alone with my tears.
1st Haircut
Well, we finally went and did it. Will, at the ripe old age of 2 1/2, finally got his first haircut. We've been talking about doing this since the summer, but just hadn't accomplished it. Not that I was pushing for it, exactly. My brakes were engaged...maybe even the emergency brake. I knew that once we got him in the chair and cut off those golden curly locks, it would never be the same again. *sigh*
Gone is the baby look. Gone is the softness. Gone is my baby boy. In his place stands this very big boy. He, his daddy says, will always be my baby, regardless....
I didn't bawl like a baby. I came close, though. I had to keep checking out the ceiling tiles to keep the tears from streaming down my face. It's quite the milestone. I was tempted to wait til he was four, do the Jewish thing, but Andrew and Auntie Rachel vetoed that one. Too much party in the back, apparently!
Will did such a good job! It was obvious he was a little nervous and unsure, but we've been talking this up for a while, so it wasn't out of the blue. He sat so very still as she chopped and trimmed and made him look super handsome. Will's adorable, nothing's going to change that, but he's a big boy now.
Next step...potty training. Lord help us!
Gone is the baby look. Gone is the softness. Gone is my baby boy. In his place stands this very big boy. He, his daddy says, will always be my baby, regardless....
I didn't bawl like a baby. I came close, though. I had to keep checking out the ceiling tiles to keep the tears from streaming down my face. It's quite the milestone. I was tempted to wait til he was four, do the Jewish thing, but Andrew and Auntie Rachel vetoed that one. Too much party in the back, apparently!
Will did such a good job! It was obvious he was a little nervous and unsure, but we've been talking this up for a while, so it wasn't out of the blue. He sat so very still as she chopped and trimmed and made him look super handsome. Will's adorable, nothing's going to change that, but he's a big boy now.
Next step...potty training. Lord help us!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Pa's Visit
My dad was here this week -- came in Monday afternoon and left at about 3:00 this morning. It was a short visit, but at least he came. :-) It was so very good to see him! The kids were all about "Pa." Will's exhausted today because he played so very hard and showed off for Pa. Annabelle hasn't been much of a cuddler up to this point, but she loved on Pa, snuggling down under his big Moses beard.
The visit was good and BUSY. Of course, the majority of it was spent playing with the munchkins. The sword fights were unbelievable and ended with a gunshot -- isn't that how all the best sword fights end?
Pa & Will would be wailing on each other with swords and then Will would holler, "Pa! Soot me!" Pa would oblige, and Will would fall to the floor with his tongue hanging out making all sorts of being shot noises. Then, there would be reading of books. When this was going on, you could be certain Annabelle was going to worm her way right into the middle of things, reaching for pages, "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"-ing and "Aah"-ing at each one. Their favorites were Are You my Mother? and a new Little People book about animals. For the first, they would both sit in rapt attention while Pa would read it again and again. "Do more!" Will would say. For the second, it was more the kiddos than Pa saying anything. Annabelle vocalized in a big way at each page. Will would go through, pointing at and naming the animals. His favorite animals, right now, are sharks. How we love sharks! (Andrew actually asked if he could watch some of Shark Week. Really?)
How they love Pa! I love that they love him so very much and shower him with attention when he's here. It's so very bittersweet, though, so bittersweet -- Gramma's not here to be a part of all this. Annabelle was only 4 months old, Will, not even two. Yes, I know -- it's up to me to make sure that they "know" her and know that she loved them so very much, but they don't get to experience her. I hate that for them...and for me...and for her. I have the right to harp on this, to be sad about this. It's only been six months...I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster of emotions right now. I want her here to be a part of my children's lives, a part of my life. I don't want Daddy to be with out her. And yet, here we are.
I'm so very glad my little ones had the best time with Pa this week. What a blessing!
The visit was good and BUSY. Of course, the majority of it was spent playing with the munchkins. The sword fights were unbelievable and ended with a gunshot -- isn't that how all the best sword fights end?
Pa & Will would be wailing on each other with swords and then Will would holler, "Pa! Soot me!" Pa would oblige, and Will would fall to the floor with his tongue hanging out making all sorts of being shot noises. Then, there would be reading of books. When this was going on, you could be certain Annabelle was going to worm her way right into the middle of things, reaching for pages, "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"-ing and "Aah"-ing at each one. Their favorites were Are You my Mother? and a new Little People book about animals. For the first, they would both sit in rapt attention while Pa would read it again and again. "Do more!" Will would say. For the second, it was more the kiddos than Pa saying anything. Annabelle vocalized in a big way at each page. Will would go through, pointing at and naming the animals. His favorite animals, right now, are sharks. How we love sharks! (Andrew actually asked if he could watch some of Shark Week. Really?)
How they love Pa! I love that they love him so very much and shower him with attention when he's here. It's so very bittersweet, though, so bittersweet -- Gramma's not here to be a part of all this. Annabelle was only 4 months old, Will, not even two. Yes, I know -- it's up to me to make sure that they "know" her and know that she loved them so very much, but they don't get to experience her. I hate that for them...and for me...and for her. I have the right to harp on this, to be sad about this. It's only been six months...I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster of emotions right now. I want her here to be a part of my children's lives, a part of my life. I don't want Daddy to be with out her. And yet, here we are.
I'm so very glad my little ones had the best time with Pa this week. What a blessing!
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