Not a nice post -- if you're easily offended, don't read it

The last time I blogged, life was different. Life was whole. One week later, my heart was ripped out of my chest when God decided, prematurely in my mind, to take my Mama to heaven. So, here I am -- a motherless child trying to figure out how to live my life in this new world. I don't like it. I avoid my grief when at all possible, unfortunately, it's a stubborn s.o.b. and won't leave me alone. So when I don't cry and attempt to figure out how to deal with it all, I'm angrier than hell. I spend my time either fighting or succumbing to the sadness. I find joy in my children...but sometimes I'm in such a fog...I feel like a terrible mother. I feel so very much alone in it all. I spend all day with my kids, then my evenings with my husband and yet I feel isolated and alone. Ugh!!! There's no manual to deal with this. What truly bites is that when I talk to someone who's been through it, they say that every person has to figure out on their own how to grieve. Great. So here I am, stuck in this vortex with no visible means of egress. It doesn't help that I can't bring myself to read my Bible. I sort of talk to God, but I'm seriously pissed off at Him right now. (If this offends you, you'll just have to deal with it or die unhappy -- my God's big enough to handle any and everything that I throw at Him. AND, in spite of it all, I know that He loves me more than I can even fathom.) I think I have moved, for this moment anyway, from "Dear God, NO!" being my reaction when I see my mother's picture to, "Damn it, Mama! Why did you leave me?" I'm 37, my kids were nearly 2 and 4 months old, she was 9 days away from 59. This is all so very wrong! And yet, I have no say in the matter. So, that's where I am right now. I don't want sympathy, just friends who will let me be who I need to be at the time -- whether it's ranting, reminiscing or avoiding. I have never before wanted to get "smashed" in my life...until now. Unfortunately, I think it would just make it worse. Damn. And my dog is demolishing his Tuff ball on the floor...so much for it being "tuff." Great.