Home Again, Home Again

Well, we've gone & done it -- we made the move to Arkansas...actually moved in with my dad for the time being. 

What?

I know.  I'm nearly 40 (yikes!  really?  must be a typo!), and I'm moving my family in with my dad for the foreseeable future.  What in the world would possess me to do that? and why now, of all times?  There are a myriad of reasons -- where we were we had no church, few friends, Andrew's job was beyond horrible...but, bottom line, after much time seeking the Lord we were convinced that Arkansas is where He wants us.  We are stepping out in faith with no job, no home of our own with three kids.  I thought we were on the edge when we moved from Florida to Oklahoma two days ahead of the moving truck with no jobs and no idea where we were goung to live.  Granted, this seems to be the way God moves us, because He also had us move without a job when we moved to Texas.  We had bought a home that time, though.  And I was newly pregnant with our first.

It may seem crazy, but we trust that the Lord does things in His own time & in His own fashion.  He's never late, but He's rarely early.  Looking around, though, at what so many of our brothers & sisters must contend with, our step of faith seems small.  Thankfully, though, He measures our steps in obedience.

I'm excited about this new season!  He has great things in store for us to be a part of.  Wahoo!

Baby's Due Tomorrow & I'm a Mess

My baby girl is due tomorrow, and it's making me miss my Mama something fierce.  She's been here for the births of my other two.  Nice and early because my babies haven't come when they were due; they've come pretty much when they were ready.  I'm ok with that part of things, but I don't know how to do the rest of this without my Mama.  I know my Daddy will be here and will help how he can, but it's not the same.  She took care of me...and my babies...and I knew I could sit back and it would all be ok.  My sisters are wonderful, and they will help, but they each have their own lives, jobs, kids....  Mama came and focused on me and my new baby and my other baby.  If she were here....but she's not, and that's a reality I have to face.  Bad words.

Pregnancy hormones aren't helping this whole missing thing at all.  ugh.  I need to get on an even keel so that I can take care of business.  I would ask for help, but I don't even know where to begin.  We have no church.  We're just here.  I feel like we're on an island...an invisible island.  I know, I definitely lean to the melodramatic side.  Sorry 'bout that.

I was talking on the phone with one sister tonight about who would be watching kids and who would be at the hospital and all that jazz.  When I got off the phone, Annabelle ran by the doorway with a comment about getting her sippy and then ran back the other way drinking her water.  I am so angry with Mama for missing that, for missing her words, for missing all that she's doing, for missing how big Will's getting, for not even meeting our sweet girl who'll be here soon.  I don't even know what to do with all that.  Granted, I need to figure something out because Peanut's not quite sure what to do with all these funky emotions and corresponding hormones I'm throwing her way right now.  Poor baby!  She's just kind of stuck, for the time being.  Once again, need to find that even keel.  Wish there was a Jazzercise class going on right now.  I'd cry my way through the class, but hopefully feel much better when it was all said and done.  I may have to hit the 5:30 class in the morning.  Don't hold your breath on that one, though.  I don't have an alarm set, and it's nearly midnight.

So here I am.  Did I mention that my house looks like a tornado hit?  I know, two toddlers and packing will do that, but it's been pushed beyond my limit, and I just can't catch up.  It's making me even crazier, and, as we all know, I need NOTHING else to help me with that.  Lord willing, tomorrow I will "slow and steady" my way through cleaning bathrooms and floors and dusting and getting too-small clothes put away and doing those dishes that have to be hand-washed, etc.  Maybe that will make me feel a bit better, or at least not quite so overwhelmed.

God bless you if you actually read the whole of this post.  Oy.  It's a mess.  I'm a mess. 
I'll make it.  I always do...I'd just like to be smiling on the way through.

Countdown & a Realization

It's here.  I really can't believe that it's been nearly a year since I've seen, talked to, listened to, hugged, kissed my Mama.  It's 11 days from today.  Most people do a countdown of 10 for whatever, but, for some reason, today's been really rough for me and my countdown begins today.  Remembering talking with my mom on the phone getting ready for me to go visit in 12 days.  I was making my first solo trip with the kids and was going to stay with them til her birthday on the 29th.  She wasn't feeling well...being dizzy even when she was lying down.  I expressed sympathy, but that was about it.  She hated going to the doctor, and it didn't matter what I would say, she would go when she was ready or when Dad had pestered her enough.  Too, Mama seemed to always have something going on physically.  She wasn't a hypochondriac, she just always had something going on, and I just chalked it up to being a Mama thing.... 

I always used to say that, "when it's your time to go, you're going to go, regardless of where you are or what you're doing."  To anyone that I may have spoken that to in your time of loss, please forgive me.  (I would hope that I had a shred more decency than to voice that to someone who was in the midst of that, but people can be stupid.)  All that to say, I believe that to be the case as a general rule -- each of us has numbered days -- but, specifically, it certainly didn't apply to my mother...couldn't apply to my Mama.  and yet....

My sweet husband asked me today what was going on with me.  Really?  I am reliving last year.  I am reliving her death and everything leading up to it.  It is so very fresh and raw right now.  I told him, the next week and a half to three weeks are not going to be easy weeks.  The year anniversary is January 20th, & her birthday is January 29th.  God get me through this month.  Please.

God "spoke" to me today.  That hasn't happened in a long time, but it happened to me today.  We were visiting a different church.  (We haven't had a church home in so very long...no support of a church family through this...it's sooo very hard to have to do this alone!)  The pastor was talking about having a "focused faith" and in one of his supporting points of praying specifically, he referenced Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."  I realized that I have held this, taking my mother away from me, against God.  No wonder I haven't been able to hear Him or receive His care or comfort.  I don't know how to forgive Him, but I know that I need to, for a plethora of reasons.  I told Him as much.  So here I wait...and try not to think too much.  It hurts too much.

It got me tonight...

So this one IS about Mama & missing her.  If you're tired of reading about my issues with all that, I certainly won't be offended if you don't read any further.  Truthfully, I'm writing right now with the hopes that I will feel better once I "get it all out."  Getting it all out in this type of forum keeps me from burdening/making uncomfortable anyone in particular.

We're at Andrew's parents right now.  The kids have been great, and they remember Mimi & Grand Dad (yes, he decided that's what he wants to be called!  okey dokey.), which is great.  What got me tonight was Annabelle running to Mimi with a huge smile on her face and arms upstretched to give her night-night hugs and kisses.  My mom's supposed to be on the receiving end of that run...and she doesn't ever get to be.  I can see the look of joy that would be on her face...and I feel robbed.  Life is not fair. 

I've been told that Annabelle and Will don't know what they're missing not having my mom for a Gramma.  I, however, do know, and it breaks my heart for them.  There are so many experiences they won't get to have because my mom's not here...and it makes me so sad and so angry.  It's just not fair!

A dear friend quoted a loved movie when I was having a hard time of things one day -- "Life is pain, Highness.  If anyone tells you differently, they're selling something."  (Gotta love Princess Bride to tell it like it is.)  So how do I deal with this pain and keep it from washing over me and drowning me in a sea of self-pity and sorrow?  This is one way.  Writing helps.  Also, trying not to think about things too much...especially right now.  It's the first set of major holidays and my birthday to come around since she's been gone.  Sucky.

I'm not broken into as many pieces as I once was.  Some of them have come together like mercury on the floor.  For you scifi freaks out there, it's like the pieces of the terminator in the 2nd movie, after being frozen & shattered, melting and coming together.  It's actually more like that than not.  Hmmm....I guess that gives me the hope of being whole again?  Interesting thought.

It's my husband's birthday, so I've got to pull it together.  If for nothing else, I need to do it for him so that we can actually spend some pleasant time together.  I do love him so.

Here's to getting blind-sided.  I'd like to have a drink to take the edge off, but I'm preggers, so no dice on that one.  Oh well.  Time to put on my big girl panties and head on out.

It's Been A While....

It's been a while since I've written.  I didn't want the only things that I posted to be about my struggles living without Mama.  So much for that.  *wry smile*

What has happened since the end of August?  The kids and I did a 10 day (yes, you heard me right -- 10 day) road trip.  Whew!  It was great for me.  I got to visit my cousin Ann & her family in Wichita.  It's been ages since I've been able to spend any time with her.  I really enjoyed it!  We just threw our chaos in with hers and it fit nicely.  From there the kids and I headed to St. Louis.  My brother-in-law's parents were gracious and offered to let us do Cousins' Weekend at their house.  All three of us girls (& John & all the kids), cousin Shaunna & her husband Jeffrey, and cousin Cortney made it.  MIA was my husband (flights were too darned expensive!) and Shaunna & Cortney's brother Wayne & his wife Amanda.  We had a great time visiting and playing cards and cooking and reminiscing and going to the St. Louis Zoo...once we finally got there!  It didn't take us long to get to the exit for the zoo, but traffic was HORRENDOUS, and I think it took us a good hour and a half to get parked...and then we had to hike to the zoo!  We had an amazing time, though!  I think the best part was stripping Will down to his diaper so that he could enjoy the splash pad with his cousins.  He had a BLAST!!!  We left Tuesday to head to Siloam to have a rest at Pa's before heading home to Amarillo.

That Wednesday (the day after we got to my Dad's) was Annabelle's 1st birthday.  Wow.  It was a pretty uneventful day, but I did get a few pictures in...just before she went to bed!  I can't believe she's past 1 year old now!  That day, however, began a very difficult month.  We have LOTS of September birthdays -- Michelle's is the 1st, Annabelle's the 8th, then come Jacob, several cousins, a couple of Aunts, then Dad and Josiah finish out the month.  Mom was the best at birthdays.  She really worked to make that day special and all about YOU.  It was so very, very hard not to have her be a part of things.  Dad did come the end of the month so that he would be with us for his birthday.  We insisted, and, thankfully, he complied. 

October, I made another trip back to Siloam for John Brown Homecoming...not that I really did any homecoming activities besides attend some education professional development hours (speaking of which, I need to call them -- I got gypped on the hours they sent me!) and a dessert for education alumni.

November...sigh...the beginning of the holiday season.  I about lost it in the Christmas stuff at Target because it really hit me that Mama wasn't going to be with us.  She always paid attention to details at the holidays and worked hard to fill stockings for everyone and make it fun for the kids.  She's not here to do that this year, and I don't want to have to be the one to fill those shoes...I don't want anyone to have to fill those shoes.  I just want her here.  That would take care of that.

Last year we planned with Mama to go to Branson for Thankmas.  We have friends that have a condo that we figured we could rent and planned on getting another one there -- there are too many of us for just one condo!  We decided to stick to the plan.  Something different needed to be done this year.  So...no turkey, no big meal, no football (not that anyone besides John & Michelle & Rachel ever truly watched football...).  We drove to Branson on Wednesday and went to Silver Dollar City Thursday & Friday.  It was COLD!  It was really, really COLD!  It was rather reminiscent of when we went to SDC a bajillion years ago over Thanksgiving, except that, that time, we were completely and absolutely unprepared for the cold.  This time we came with layer upon layer upon layer!  (In a side note here -- My husband ROCKS!  He got us wool socks.  I've never owned a pair of wool socks before.  My feet have always, yes always, been cold when I've been out for extended periods of time in the winter.  This was the first experience that my feet have NOT been cold, not one little bit.  My husband totally ROCKS!)  The best part was seeing the kids experience it.  The oohing and aahhhing of little ones makes the experience a thousand times better.  We went and saw the Frosty show.  The kids were all invited up on stage and Will went with his older cousins.  He stood the whole time.  I was wondering what he was going to do.  Was he going to be that child...the one that everyone sees and knows before it's all said and done?  He did not disappoint!  He made it almost through, but he couldn't resist going to check out the raccoon puppet in the tree.  One of the main characters went over, picked him up and placed him where he belonged and said, "Now that's a photo op!"  Dadgum, I didn't have my camera out.  Thank God he didn't pull the puppet off the guy's hand!  I'm not sure how they could have recovered from that!  To this day, anytime Frosty the Snowman song comes on he says, "Mommy!  It's the snowman song!"  Yep, Will, it sure is.

Mama would have had a great time.  She would have been exhausted.  She probably would have gotten bronchitis.  But she would have had a marvelous time experiencing SDC through her grandkids.  My heart is heavy that she missed it.

So now it's December.  It's the Christmas season.  My kids love Christmas lights.  Tomorrow they get to start on Christmas ornaments to give to the rest of the family.  I'm so very glad to have them to experience Christmas through.  I was just thinking about last year's Christmas pictures.  Mama was in those pictures.  She won't be in them this year.  I don't get to have her on my birthday.  Last year my birthday didn't go like she would have liked for it to when they were here.  She promised that she would take me to lunch when I came to visit in January.  She died instead.  I'm kind of skipping my birthday this year.  In some ways I want to, in other ways I don't.  We'll see how I feel that day. 

I was reading an article in a Wycliffe publication about a man who, eight months after his wife's death, was going back to the language group he and his wife had worked with to translate the Bible.  Someone asked him about the comfort that he was receiving from the Lord.  His response?  It was something to the effect that he was getting a wall of silence from God, but there were people that crossed his path that encouraged him, and he knew that they were from the Lord.  I, too, am experiencing a wall of silence.  I am so very thankful for those of you that He has sent across my path to lift me up.  So, onward & forward I go.

Not a Good Night

It's 10:25.  Early for many, yes, but we're into the school year, so it's now officially past my bedtime.  Unfortunately, I am not cozied up in my bed snoozing away.  No, I am on the couch with tear (and snot) soaked kleenex. 
I had my first counseling session a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted me to start reading Motherless Daughters.  Being the procrastinating complier that I am, I bought a digital copy tonight and read the first chapter.  It was a long chapter.  Do I remember any of it?  Not particularly.  I read a few snippets here and there to Andrew, hopefully to give him some insight from someone else's words -- better than mine, they don't seem to make much sense anymore.  Do I want to keep reading it?  Not particularly.  It was one more thing that put the "perpetual absence of her presence" right in my face.  I need her, as a rule.  Tonight I needed to see her, hear her, feel her...so I got out the few videos that I have from the few months before she died.  And then came the serious waterworks.  Dear God!
 I am not supposed to be in this place without her!  I had someone tell me today that a friend of theirs passed away yesterday, but they didn't want to be selfish and be sad because she was in heaven, and didn't I rejoice because my Mama was already with Jesus?  Sure, I told her.  I rejoice for her, she's got it great.  I cry for me.  Toby Keith sure hit the nail on the head with his song, Cryin' for Me.

I'm gonna miss that smile

I'm gonna miss you my friend

Even though it hurts the way it ended up

I'd do it all again

So play it sweet in heaven

'Cause that's where you wanna be

I'm not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you

I'm crying for me

I don't feel like the tears will stop tonight. 

• I don't want to go to my counseling session tomorrow night and then to my 'grief education and support group.' 
• I don't want to keep feeling this way. 
• I don't want to have to deal with this in some way shape or form for the rest of my life. 
• I don't want to continue to feel like a failure because I don't feel like I'm relying on the Lord like I want to or feel like I should. 
• I don't want to make other people uncomfortable by vomiting my grief on them when I can contain it no longer. 
• I don't want my children to grow up without my mother for a grandmother. 
• I don't want to be without my friend and confidante. 

What I "don't want," however, doesn't really matter, apparently. 

So here I sit, alone with my tears.

1st Haircut

Well, we finally went and did it.  Will, at the ripe old age of 2 1/2, finally got his first haircut.  We've been talking about doing this since the summer, but just hadn't accomplished it.  Not that I was pushing for it, exactly.  My brakes were engaged...maybe even the emergency brake.  I knew that once we got him in the chair and cut off those golden curly locks, it would never be the same again.  *sigh* 

Gone is the baby look.  Gone is the softness.  Gone is my baby boy.  In his place stands this very big boy.  He, his daddy says, will always be my baby, regardless.... 

I didn't bawl like a baby.  I came close, though.  I had to keep checking out the ceiling tiles to keep the tears from streaming down my face.  It's quite the milestone.  I was tempted to wait til he was four, do the Jewish thing, but Andrew and Auntie Rachel vetoed that one.  Too much party in the back, apparently!

Will did such a good job!  It was obvious he was a little nervous and unsure, but we've been talking this up for a while, so it wasn't out of the blue.  He sat so very still as she chopped and trimmed and made him look super handsome.  Will's adorable, nothing's going to change that, but he's a big boy now.

Next step...potty training.  Lord help us!

Pa's Visit

My dad was here this week -- came in Monday afternoon and left at about 3:00 this morning.  It was a short visit, but at least he came.  :-)  It was so very good to see him!  The kids were all about "Pa."  Will's exhausted today because he played so very hard and showed off for Pa.  Annabelle hasn't been much of a cuddler up to this point, but she loved on Pa, snuggling down under his big Moses beard.

The visit was good and BUSY.  Of course, the majority of it was spent playing with the munchkins.  The sword fights were unbelievable and ended with a gunshot -- isn't that how all the best sword fights end? 
Pa & Will would be wailing on each other with swords and then Will would holler, "Pa!  Soot me!"  Pa would oblige, and Will would fall to the floor with his tongue hanging out making all sorts of being shot noises.  Then, there would be reading of books.  When this was going on, you could be certain Annabelle was going to worm her way right into the middle of things, reaching for pages,  "Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!"-ing and "Aah"-ing at each one.  Their favorites were Are You my Mother? and a new Little People book about animals.  For the first, they would both sit in rapt attention while Pa would read it again and again.  "Do more!"  Will would say.  For the second, it was more the kiddos than Pa saying anything.  Annabelle vocalized in a big way at each page.  Will would go through, pointing at and naming the animals.  His favorite animals, right now, are sharks.  How we love sharks!  (Andrew actually asked if he could watch some of Shark Week.  Really?)

How they love Pa!  I love that they love him so very much and shower him with attention when he's here.  It's so very bittersweet, though, so bittersweet -- Gramma's not here to be a part of all this.  Annabelle was only 4 months old, Will, not even two.  Yes, I know -- it's up to me to make sure that they "know" her and know that she loved them so very much, but they don't get to experience her.  I hate that for them...and for me...and for her.  I have the right to harp on this, to be sad about this.  It's only been six months...I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster of emotions right now.  I want her here to be a part of my children's lives, a part of my life.  I don't want Daddy to be with out her.  And yet, here we are.

I'm so very glad my little ones had the best time with Pa this week.  What a blessing!

Selfish Sucks

I need to blog.  I know I need to blog.  I'll just write and see where it goes.  That's what I always told my kids at school -- if you're not sure what to write, just start writing and see where it goes.  It's not like I have a clever (or not so clever, as it were) writing prompt to get me going.  A friend of mine has a blog, '"B" is for Blog' and does hers with a letter '"A" is for...', etc.  It's well done, but she did it first.  :-)

So, here I am.  It's been a rough couple of days.  I've been cranky, irritable, moody, you get the idea.  (Sorry, Andrew!!!)  If I had a thesaurus nearby, I'd have put down a few more.  (Yes, I'm online, but that would have involved opening another tab, and just not interested in going there right now.)  I hate when I can see myself being this way and don't feel like I have any recourse to stop it.  Ugh.  I'm watching from a distance, and that's all I can do.  Joy.  It's kind of like when "Crazy Carrie" was around when I was taking birth control pills -- not circumstances I like to recreate in the least.

I went to my first Grief Education Class & Support Group last week.  One of the things the leader mentioned was that when you're grieving, you are in a "self-concerned" place...the original wording they used was "selfish."  Boy, did that resonate with me...and I hate it.  I hate feeling so very selfish.  I hate it with a fiery passion, and yet, how do I get beyond it?  I know I must.  I don't like being here.  It's like being stuck in a snow bank, and I have no traction...and no kitty litter.  Must I just sit here spinning my wheels until it all thaws enough for me to get out?  I don't know.

So...there you have it -- here's what happens when I just write and see where it goes.  Sometimes it's not so pretty.

The Big Ride

We didn't get up early this morning.  No, my 4:15 trip to the bathroom definitely does not count because I endeavored to go back to sleep afterward.  We should have gotten up earlier than we did, however.  Today was Rachel's Big Ride -- 100 miles to Canadian to raise money for MS research.  She didn't plan to do the full 100 miles.  Her longest practice ride has been 25 miles.  She said she'd be happy to make it 40.

Anyway, we got up and got around (in a fashion) and FINALLY got in the car to head to one of the rest stops to cheer her on.  We went to Zachry's rest stop -- ZASH (fashioned after MASH, they had Klinger, the Chaplain, the whole crew -- loved it!) to meet her.  It's where she figured she'd stop, but no Rachel!  They said she had been through half an hour before and was doing great!  We went on past two more rest stops, then passed her riding with her riding buddy.  She was trucking along! 

It was another few miles to the next rest area, and we stopped to wait for her -- the 50 mile mark!!!  I was so proud of her!  She seemed surprised and excited to see us there, which was a nice feeling.  The kids just took it in stride, of course.  Will had gotten a breakfast burrito at the ZASH rest stop and was messily making his way through that, picking up the errant pieces off the ground and cramming them into his mouth.  Nasty!  Annabelle was trying to wiggle her way out of the stroller.  Naturally.

Anyway, we got Rachel & Stacey hydrated and revved up for the next leg.  Their plan was to go another 30 miles.  I'm looking forward to hearing how far they made it, and Rachel's over all take on the ride.  She did well.  I'm so proud of her!  Way to go, Rachel!!!

Now I'm off to Mommy duty, both munchkins are up from their naps.  I see nasty diapers in my near future.   :-)

Progress...

I started Jazzercise the beginning of March this year -- nearly five months ago.  The Lord had me get a postcard at a time that I knew I needed something that would MAKE me get out of the house and get me moving.  Mom died because an artery collapsed after a heart catheter procedure.  I knew that I was on the road to something similar if I didn't make a change.  I was beyond severely overweight, had a six month old and a two year old and had just lost my Mama -- depression and feelings of hopelessness were my constant companions.

So...I started Jazzercise.  It was a rocky start -- on my third visit I tripped over my own feet and landed smack on my booty in the middle of class.  Yikes.  My ankle, tailbone, and pride were rather bruised.  My tailbone still bothers me from time to time, but I kept going to class.  There were classes that I would cry through songs because they made me think of Mama or my loss.  Some days I had to make myself get up and go -- not always easy trying to get the two munchkins and myself ready.  Then, the Lord gave me another boost.  If I did childcare one class a week, I could get my Jazzercise for free.  FREE.  How very exciting!  I had signed up for 12 week program, Fit for Life, but didn't see how I would be able to continue after that.  What a blessing. 

Things were going well, and the beginning of May I started PT -- Personal Touch.  It's small group strength training.  Even with my discount for childcare, we couldn't afford for me to do it more than the minimum of eight weeks, so, sadly, I finished the end of June.  Fit for Life, though, ended the end of May -- with the end came the measuring -- I had lost about 15 pounds and 16 inches.  Wahoo!

Last Friday, the Lord provided a way, out of the blue, for me to pick back up with PT!  I've been back for three sessions this week, and it has felt marvelous!  I stepped on the scales this morning, and I've lost another five pounds.  Smiles all around!  It's been slow and steady, but I hear that's the way to go.  I've never tried it this way before, but I think I like it.  Lord willing, I'll be able to continue with Jazzercise and keep toning it up -- in a healthy and encouraging way!

6 months

Tomorrow will be six months since Mama went to heaven. Six months already - six months since I talked to my mother; six months since she hugged me; six months since I saw her smiling face. I love her so very much and miss her terribly. My thoughts go to all the things I don't get to do with her anymore, to all that she's missing with my kids; all that my kids are missing by not knowing her, by not being able to have her as Grandma - no Grandma & Annabelle tea parties, no spending time at Grandma & Pa's without Mom & Dad...so many things... and just the very basics of not knowing my mother. She was a great mom & the best Grandma ever.

I love you, Mama, and miss you so very much.

Apology

Dear Rachelle,

I must apologize, for I think that I have copied your design layout for my blog!  It's so lovely and bright, and it makes me smile.  Truly, I didn't realize that I had done it until some time after we both made the change.  Please accept my most humble apologies and remember, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery!

Your friend and most humble admirer,
Carrie

hee hee

Chaos

So...here I am -- it's 11:30 at night.  I should be sleeping, really.  Too many late nights and too few naps have led to confusion in my brain in the chaos that is our life.  The chaos, ah yes, there are definitely predictable times for the chaos -- when we get up, when I'm trying to leave with  both munchkins to head to Jazzercise (dang it!  5 minutes after I should have been pulling out of the driveway!  ), when the kids are having lunch and going down for naps, when they get up again, and when they are eating dinner and going down for the night.  Those are the predictable times for chaos.  (It's such that, when I invite my baby sister over, I give her the option of coming over for the chaos or coming at 7 when it's all said and done!)  Then, there are the unpredictable times for chaos like the times when

• Will has a meltdown because I let Annabelle play with one of "mys toys!" or he has to put down his toys to go into time out for whatever reason.
• Will is using his potty and Annabelle is trying to join him.
• Stitch can no longer handle the 45 hands all over him from the two children.  Where do the extra hands come from???
• Annabelle is content only when she is feeding me, or her daddy or the dog her snacks.  (Will hasn't been privileged with that one yet!)
• Will is running one way and Annabelle is doing her gollum crawl in the direct opposite, and Stitch is under my feet (literally!) because he must have more attention NOW.
• I'm trying to go to the bathroom, Will is punching buttons on the washer ("Buttons, Mommy!") and I'm trying to keep Annabelle from eating the dust bunny that has accumulated under the front of the vanity.   (Did I say "bunny?"  Forgive me, I meant "bunnIES!")
• my only pair of workout shorts fell in front of the washer when I was changing out laundry, and I didn't notice so they're wet, and I can't find the only pair of workout pants I have that are waaaay too big now (yeah!) in the masses of clean laundry in my room (at least it's clean!) and I MUST leave in the next 10 minutes.

...but we do it, and we make it, and in spite of it all (or, perhaps, because of it) my children are happy and growing and amazing, and I'm content with the boundaries of my life because the Lord has set them in pleasant places.  Is it hard?  DUH.  Do I cry as well as laugh?  yep.  Would I change it?  only the part where my mama's gone.  the rest is beyond beyond.  (nope, not a typo)  Really.

Words -- the post I was going to write

I was going to write about words...how they sound, how they feel in my mouth, the emotions and visualizations that they evoke bring me comfort and joy.  I found a book a few years ago, West with the Night, written by a woman who was a pilot in British East Africa in the 1930's.  Nobody writes like that anymore!  The "poetic prose" were so meaty and filled with imagery.  With her writing, I could see it...smell it....taste it...hear it.  It's so very beautiful it makes me ache when I chew it, for chew it I must.  There is too much to simply read.

Unfortunately, the post that I crafted in my mind in the twilight moments approaching sleep has departed with my dreams.  sigh.

I've always loved words and using a plethora of multisyllabic $64 phrases makes me smile.  I do remember, at the age of 14, turning words over and over in my mouth to get the full 360 degree feeling.  It was all well and good until I was helping my dad in his workshop on the back porch and he asked me for a screw. 
"Screw...screw...screw." I repeated.  "I like how the word feels in my mouth."
My dad's response, "You probably shouldn't say that."
My naivete -- I had no idea that what I was saying was more than a simple tool.  hee hee

Words.  aahhh, how I love them.

Writing

So...I'm writing more consistently on this blog, but there's not a lot here that is extremely profound. Apparently, I'm writing just to write and if something great graces these pages, then so be it. :-) It's a rainy kind of day today, not too bad though. The clouds are dark enough to have gone beyond dreary into interesting. The breeze has picked up enough that I can see the trees gently moving acorss the way. It's not raining right now, but I have small puddles on my driveway and patio -- great for little boys to splash in, throw sticks in, and generally just revel in. What joy can be found in a puddle! Right now all I hear is the dog snoring at my feet, the whir of the bathroom fan (white noise for Annabelle as she sleeps) and the occasional car or jet outside my house...oh, and the click of the keys and hum of the laptop, of course. There's peace in the relative quiet. (Please understand with two at and under 2, it's ALL relative.) I am OK right now. I take the moments when I can be ok and wrap them around myself like a thick, fluffy blanket of comfort. I scootch into the coziness and allow myself to just breathe long and deeply. I haven't allowed myself to think anything more than surface thoughts lately. I know this will come back and bite me in the a**, but I need time away from the pain and the loss and the sadness. Last Sunday was Mother's Day. Rachel came over and we acted like it was just another Sunday. Andrew played it down, though he did take Will to get me a couple of gifts -- jukebox music, "Cowboy Country" and "Soda Fountain" -- nice, light, fun gifts. Watching Will dance to "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog" made us all join in and laugh, laugh, laugh! This coming Sunday is Rachel's birthday. I hate that her birthday had to be the first one we would go through without Mama. Rachel's HUGE on tradition and doing things the way we've always done them. Mama was a big birthday person. On your birthday, you got to choose everything we ate that day, and, if it wasn't a school day, everything we did. In the past few years, she took Rachel shopping for her birthday so she could pick out her presents. There's lots now that we can't do the way we've always done them. So, we're doing things really differently. This weekend, Rachel, Michelle, Daddy, the babies and me are going to Santa Fe. Hopefully being away will help. Hopefully being all together will help. Nothing's going to make it all right, though. It will never again be the same. I'm so sorry, Rachel, that yours had to be first. So...this post has rambled through the terrain of the mundane and pointless to the more poignant and life altering. Maybe that's what this blog is for. Hopefully, it will help.

Sleepy

So here it sit on the couch beside Will so sleepy it's hard to keep my eyelids open. It's 3:15 in the afternoon...perhaps I need to drink some water...have some protein...sleep through the night! The last is probably the ticket. Annabelle's doing GREAT sleeping through the night. Yeah! Will, on the other hand, we're having issues with. A week or so ago he finally completed the destruction of the crib tent so graciously given to us by friends. So, in order to keep him contained, we put an actual tent in his room and put the crib mattress in it. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the skill to stay on the mattress yet AND, he's a mover and a shaker when he sleeps. There have been many thumps, bumps, and owies. Last night I made a pallet next to the mattress so that if he rolled out he wouldn't hurt himself. He chose to sleep on the pallet. No worries. I thought we would be good. Not so much. He got too warm, and stripped down...completely. He was making noise, so I went in to check on him and there he was in all his glory as happy as could be. THANKFULLY, he hadn't peed or pooped anywhere -- been there, done that, and it's NOT fun. Anyway, we ended up using packing tape around his diaper to keep him from being able to unfasten the diaper or just slide it off. We would have used duct tape (it works for anything that needs to be stuck, right?), but strangely enough, my "real men use duct tape" husband is completely out. Packing tape it was. Then, he woke up crying around 11:30, I guess. Drew was so sweet to try to take care of things without waking me up. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Will was completely unconsolable. It took a while of crying for him to finally calm down and ask for a drink. We came to the conclusion that he wanted to sleep with us for a while. He laid down with me and then his head popped up, "Paci!" He rolled off the bed. "Do you want me to come with you?" I asked him as he was running in his twisty hip kind of way. "No. My got it." He finished what he was saying as he ran through the darkness of the kitchen...right into the empty 5 gallon water containers. Yikes! He burst into wails. Finally, I got him calmly to his room. He popped in his paci, laid down on the pallet, and closed his eyes. I prayed for him and rubbed his back for a couple of minutes. Occasionally, one eye would sleepily open to make sure I was still there, then it would slide back down. Then he was out. Whew. We made it. Then he slept the rest of the night. All that to say, I could certainly use a nap right now. Unfortunately, I just don't see that happening in the near future. Sigh.

I did it!

Here's my tattoo. Rachel (my baby sister) and I went to Tattoo Gallery on Hobbs today and got it done! I flip-flopped about where I wanted it -- on my foot? on my wrist? going which way on my wrist??? Choices, choices, choices. The foot wasn't good for right now. I've been doing so well working out for the past 10 weeks, and I didn't want to interrupt the good thing that I have going on with that. Getting it on my foot would mean taking a couple of weeks off while it healed. Thinking about it more, the wrist seemed good. I wanted it somewhere that I could see it without a mirror and that could be easily camouflaged, if necessary (I don't see it being necessary, but, whatever.) My right wrist was just instictive. I'm right handed, and so I would see it when I used my right hand. We went in and gave the guy the picture that Mom had drawn. He had to enlarge it just a bit, but not so much that it made it bigger than we wanted. Jason did our tats, and they look just like Mom had taken a pen and drawn it on each of our wrists. I am so very pleased! And...it certainly didn't hurt that it didn't hurt so very much! So...here it is, in remembrance of you, Mama. I love you and miss you so very much. Happy Mother's Day.

"Uh oh!" & Clapping!

Annabelle will be eight months old Saturday. Eight months old! I can hardly believe it. In that eight months she has demonstrated that she has such a different personality from Will. Will was always very gregarious, loved to show off. Annabelle, she studies things more and is a tough audience -- it takes a lot to make her laugh. She's not really fond of showing off, either. She'll do something for me, no worries, but if I ask her to do it in front of someone else, she looks at me like she's never done it before! I knew they'd be different, but I didn't expect them to be this different. Granted, my mother said that she got the three points of an equilateral triangle with me and my two sisters. I should have known. *wry smile* This week has been a week of hitting a couple of milestones. Yesterday, Annabelle started saying, "Uh oh!" It is so very cute in her little baby voice, and she says it for any and everything. It makes me smile each time I hear her say it. She's saying it a lot, of course, just because she can. And why not? Today, she clapped. The concentration that was on her face as she moved her hands together in and out...my goodness! I caught it on video, which was amazing all the way around. She was so proud of herself, waving her arms and scrunching up her little nose. What amazing joy! Oh, and should I mention she hollered, "No!" at Andrew tonight when he asked her for a night-night kiss? Ai, yi, yi! It has begun. The snowball is just starting to roll down the mountain. What a ride. What a glorious ride!

My Tat

Ok, so I don't have one yet, but it's on the horizon...perhaps Friday if I can find someone to hang out at my house with my kids while they nap so I can go with my sister. Mama had a flower that she drew when she doodled -- the same flower every time. She always said that if something happened and we needed to leave a message for each other but not identify ourselves we would leave the flower so the family would know... When it came time to put together the program for her memorial service, we wanted that flower on there. It was the flower that was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. We tore up jack trying to find that flower! We FINALLY found one in one of her notepads in her bedside table. It wasn't quite right, but it was close. After we found it, my baby sister and I decided that we would get that flower as a tattoo in remembrance of Mama. When I was back in AR last time, I thought of another place we might be able to find the flower -- in her workshop materials! Sure enough, I found six for us to choose from. I was going to get it on my foot, but I've been doing so well at being consistent in my workout for the past nine weeks, that I don't want to sabotage myself...so I'm getting it on my wrist. It's not large, and I want it to wrap around the inside of my right wrist. Mom would throw a hissy -- she didn't think they were a good idea. :-) And yet, it's so very appropriate, something to make me smile each time I see it.